Life can certainly dish out some curveballs along the way. You think you have it sorted and then a deep heavy kick in the soul sends you back far too many steps to count and you are left wondering
“Will I ever be happy? Will I ever break through this cycle? Will I ever truly meet the version on myself that I keep stripping the layers back to unearth? “
When you are on a path to enlightenment it can be sticky, painful and truly disruptive but when you start there is no way back. This is a good thing as believe me… you will keep getting to points in time when you just want to stop, retreat and go back to the way it was.
You can’t.
You know this.
It hurts anyway.
For me last Sunday was one of these times. I just wanted the pain to stop.
As we drove back in the car my eyes leaked.
I wasn’t actively crying.
My soul was crying and it wouldn’t stop. Sending slow tears down my face over and over again.
I could justify things and explain things consciously but my soul was hurt deep within.
Chances are you will think me pretty pathetic when I tell you what caused this moment of coming undone. I thought it of myself too.
But on a weekend away with family my daughter disowned me. She didn’t want to know me as she was with her cool cousins.
To be expected of course. She gets me 24/7 at home and I don’t give into her every whim.
But even though I knew this consciously I broke. Here is what I realised.
I realised that I had been pinning my need to be loved on the shoulders of my kids. I wasn’t taking responsibility for my own feeling of worthiness. I had delegated that to my children.
Their love made me feel enough, wanted, needed and loved.
What this made me realise was just how little I loved myself and how quickly I fell apart when that love was taken away momentarily.
I thought I had been doing really good work on myself and this sort of made me feel like a true beginner. It snuck up on me from behind and took me in a strong hold. Wow. Just like that from no where I realise that I have so much more work to do on myself.
I need, WE NEED, to learn to love ourselves unconditionally regardless of how others around us respond to us.. even if it is our kids.
That is a place of power. That is a place of love and that is a place which we must rest.
Because we are worthy of love regardless of anything or anyone. No one should get to make you feel like you are not no matter how unintentional it is.
This is why a daily act of love, a Ria.tual perhaps, is so important. To bring us back to centre and remind us that we are safe where we are, we are enough as we are and we are loved. It won’t make it any less painful but it will prevent these inevitable events from taking us deep into a depression and allow us to breath into all that we are. To course correct each and every day until we find that strength to love ourselves unconditionally.
Much love to you as always,
Ria x
